Fill up your mind with all it can know...

... don't forget that your body will let it all go

Ahh Wilco.. So good.

Hmm life is floating along. Nothing spectacular, but nothing dismal either. I feel like this is a common theme. I only tend to write here when I am frustrated or when I am mediocre. Never when I have great news or am exceptionally happy, but I also don't know when that might be?

That sounded way more emo than it was intended to. What I mean is, it's been awhile since I've received a magic phonecall, or really good news or something. I miss the highs I guess. But with the highs come the lows and thus status quo, though boring, is more stable.

Anyway...

I feel like what shakey plans I may have had for post April are far-fetched at best. I keep getting pulled in 2 directions. On one hand I feel like I can do whatever I want, but that also feels like youthful naivete. I feel like I should be able to go climb mountains (not actual mountains... but metaphoric ones) and I feel like I will finally be free of burdens to my parents and everybody else in a sense. It's funny how a stupid (though extraordinarily expensive) piece of paper can do that to you.

On the other hand, I feel like who gives a fuck. I'm just some punk ass kid like the thousands of other who will be graduating with an identical degree as me. I went away and didn't like the insecurity of being away from my familiar surroundings. As much as I hate the wind and the salt air and the hills here I actually have been enjoying myself more than I can fully articulate. So what if all I ever do is work in a restaurant for the rest of my life. Would that be horrible? Would I be a failure if I was happy? I was always under the impression that happiness was the ultimate goal of life; to find something that you truly love and carve out some kind of existence and surround yourself with people you love and who in turn love you back.

But is that also youthful naivete?

I guess the problem is, my plan has been attacked. I haven't even gotten the opportunity to execute it yet and it's been shattered. Its not fair and I'm not even fully aware of how to express the levels of emotion associated with it. Frustration and outrage are mixed with a deep sense of just wanting to give up. I hate being made to feel stupid and childish because I know that is what I am not. Yet I'm being faced with one of my first adult tests and all I can do is sit around and dwell on it and still take no action.

Surely I am not the first, last or only 21 year old about to be cut loose with no idea what to do. I just wish that somebody would tell me the answers.