Pistols and daggers and the murdering braggers

To some I guess this may seem like an ode to dissatisfaction, it's not.. not really at least. It's not meant in an accusatory tone, or as something directed to any one person in particular. It is simply how I feel, and thus I write about it.

Ooohhh a disclaimer.....

Anyway...

Lately I am filled with this almost overwhelming urge to just pack my bags, sell my stuff, say fuck the consequences and just leave. Just go and get out of dodge. I'm talking not call anybody, not tell anybody, leave only a note of assurance that I will be ok and just leave. I just feel like I have been inherently unhappy in my surrounding for a really long time. That is not to say that I have been consistently unhappy with my life and those who are in it; but its more like a deep rooted thing I guess.
I feel kind of stuck here, I live this weird sort of dual life under the thumb of my parents whom I feel obligated to pander and please. I have to do well in school, not fuck up, keep my life together when most of the time all I want to do is go and be incredibly irresponsible, and make stupid choices and abuse my body with drugs and alcohol and worry about the consequences of my actions later.
This is a feel that has been brewing for 4 years, essentially ever since I moved out. I often say, and truly feel, that I am the oldest 22 year old around. I should be doing stupid things now while I still can, before it's time to "grow up". Yet, I can't even smoke a joint with my friends because my deep rooted anxiety takes ahold of me and erases all traces of rational thought, leaving me panic ridden and uncomfortable and inevitable even more miserable.

Today I was having a conversation about my parents favourite topic: What are you going to do with your life; explain to me right now, providing logical and well thought out plans, both financially and logistically, in 100 words or less, so we can then proceed to shoot everything down and make you feel like a child again. Ready, and go.

I have never in my life been allowed to get into trouble and get myself out of it. I live this weird independent yet so incredibly dependent existence. It's starting to feel like I am actually being suffocated.

There is simultaneously so much in my life right now that I am incredibly unhappy with and yet there are other parts that I am so overwhelmingly happy with that its such a strange feeling. I want to leave and not be noticed, yet actually doing it would be crippling.

What is there to even do about this? I feel like I am running into, backing up, and running into a wall; like my wheels are stuck in the mud... like... you get the metaphoric references. I get so angsty when I get frustrated. The only thing left to do is dye my hair black and comb it into my eyes....... I already have the angles down...